Before I even touch on the most bizarre sites that I have seen here referring that what B said in his last blog...that will have to wait for another time. ;) Because, I need to say a few things about Nikolai.

When we first picked him up at the orphanage, I was so anxious about how it would be saying goodbye to everyone there. I know it sounds strange. But, I got used to seeing the caregivers and the children for the past 2 weeks. It might not seem long to you, but, to me..it was long. And then, there was saying goodbye to H.D. (Handsome Devil). My nerves were shot. Then, when they opened the door for us to see Nikolai. I knew that things were going to be alright. Everything happened so fast though. I really had no time to ask about his schedule, what his normal routine was. Note to self: ask that before you actually take your child home that particular day. It was such a whirlwind, by the time I could feel myself getting emotional, it was time to leave. My eyes did start to water and my heart starting beating fast when I went over to hug H.D. and he smiled that smile of his at me. I kissed him goodbye and whispered in his ear "don't worry, many people are praying for you...you are going to be just fine and I love you". Because I do and he know holds a special place just like Alyona does. She is the little girl that we hosted over Christmas that is an orphan in Ukraine. I am totally understanding what ChrisAnn said that we have room in our hearts to love more than just one.

Then, it was time to get in the car and Nikolai freaked out and started screaming and threw his head back. So, the first few minutes he knocked his head. That wasn't so good. BUT, then, we broke out the Fruit Puffs (similar to Cheerios) and that worked like a charm. With big sis sitting in the middle and Papa on the other side and me holding him...he was fine for the rest of the ride and even started to laugh. And from that moment on, you would have thought that he has been in our family forever. He laughs, and giggles and is now completely walking, whereas 2 weeks ago...he was crawling. You have to guard your own food though...he could eat the refrigirator if you are not careful! Put a little salt on the couch and he would start eating the sides :) ha! Seriously though.... we are trying to balance when too much is too much.

The other sweet/sad thing is.... is his sleep. I know that I didn't do the standard/book/American Pediatric/blah, blah, blah thing correctly the first night. But, I couldn't help it. I read about this, but, I never had seen it and it broke my heart. We were told to just hug him goodnight and put him in his bed and walk out and let him cry. He is not used to being held. He lost his braincells. He screamed and then crawled to the corner of the crib and just rocked for a minute and was quiet and tears just quietly fell and he sucked his thumb (because you know that I had to peek in on him). But, the saddest thing was that in order for him to go to sleep he gets on all fours and pushes himself backwards and forwards rather swiftly...so much so that he hits his head on the end of the pack n play and then boom...he falls asleep. He did this several times in the middle of the night. I realized this is how he rocks himself to sleep and how he comforts himself. Because, there was no one to pick him up to rock him and to hold him when he was scared. He had to do it himself. Well, he woke up crying and then started doing that rocking on his hands and knees back and forth so forcefully...I had to pick him up. He held on to me as if he were hanging on to dear life.

I said to him "You will never have to rock yourself to sleep anymore...we are here now" and I held him against my chest and he immediately fell into position like a newborn baby and fell asleep into my arms. So what if that rocking is what he is used to. I can't watch it. He is not alone anymore. I had to hold him, right or wrong. And in Red Square yesterday, when he got upset...I held him that same position, he fell asleep in my arms.


Our boy has arms to hold him and love to surround him. My heart aches for the others who rock themselves every night because there is no one to comfort them. But, I know that God can hold them in that same position. I know He can until it is their time for their Mommy's and Daddy's to come and tell them that they don't have to be alone anymore.

I feel blessed to have birthed 2 beautiful girls and now, i feel like in some strange way...I am a part of watching the birthing experience of our son. Everything is so new. Life is good. Real good. Now, it will be complete when we are with our other child M. Then, the circle is united.

Caroline