>>Monday, May 01, 2006<<
Life is good...real good...
Before I even touch on the most bizarre sites that I have seen here referring that what B said in his last blog...that will have to wait for another time. ;) Because, I need to say a few things about Nikolai.

When we first picked him up at the orphanage, I was so anxious about how it would be saying goodbye to everyone there. I know it sounds strange. But, I got used to seeing the caregivers and the children for the past 2 weeks. It might not seem long to you, but, to me..it was long. And then, there was saying goodbye to H.D. (Handsome Devil). My nerves were shot. Then, when they opened the door for us to see Nikolai. I knew that things were going to be alright. Everything happened so fast though. I really had no time to ask about his schedule, what his normal routine was. Note to self: ask that before you actually take your child home that particular day. It was such a whirlwind, by the time I could feel myself getting emotional, it was time to leave. My eyes did start to water and my heart starting beating fast when I went over to hug H.D. and he smiled that smile of his at me. I kissed him goodbye and whispered in his ear "don't worry, many people are praying for you...you are going to be just fine and I love you". Because I do and he know holds a special place just like Alyona does. She is the little girl that we hosted over Christmas that is an orphan in Ukraine. I am totally understanding what ChrisAnn said that we have room in our hearts to love more than just one.

Then, it was time to get in the car and Nikolai freaked out and started screaming and threw his head back. So, the first few minutes he knocked his head. That wasn't so good. BUT, then, we broke out the Fruit Puffs (similar to Cheerios) and that worked like a charm. With big sis sitting in the middle and Papa on the other side and me holding him...he was fine for the rest of the ride and even started to laugh. And from that moment on, you would have thought that he has been in our family forever. He laughs, and giggles and is now completely walking, whereas 2 weeks ago...he was crawling. You have to guard your own food though...he could eat the refrigirator if you are not careful! Put a little salt on the couch and he would start eating the sides :) ha! Seriously though.... we are trying to balance when too much is too much.

The other sweet/sad thing is.... is his sleep. I know that I didn't do the standard/book/American Pediatric/blah, blah, blah thing correctly the first night. But, I couldn't help it. I read about this, but, I never had seen it and it broke my heart. We were told to just hug him goodnight and put him in his bed and walk out and let him cry. He is not used to being held. He lost his braincells. He screamed and then crawled to the corner of the crib and just rocked for a minute and was quiet and tears just quietly fell and he sucked his thumb (because you know that I had to peek in on him). But, the saddest thing was that in order for him to go to sleep he gets on all fours and pushes himself backwards and forwards rather swiftly...so much so that he hits his head on the end of the pack n play and then boom...he falls asleep. He did this several times in the middle of the night. I realized this is how he rocks himself to sleep and how he comforts himself. Because, there was no one to pick him up to rock him and to hold him when he was scared. He had to do it himself. Well, he woke up crying and then started doing that rocking on his hands and knees back and forth so forcefully...I had to pick him up. He held on to me as if he were hanging on to dear life.

I said to him "You will never have to rock yourself to sleep anymore...we are here now" and I held him against my chest and he immediately fell into position like a newborn baby and fell asleep into my arms. So what if that rocking is what he is used to. I can't watch it. He is not alone anymore. I had to hold him, right or wrong. And in Red Square yesterday, when he got upset...I held him that same position, he fell asleep in my arms.


Our boy has arms to hold him and love to surround him. My heart aches for the others who rock themselves every night because there is no one to comfort them. But, I know that God can hold them in that same position. I know He can until it is their time for their Mommy's and Daddy's to come and tell them that they don't have to be alone anymore.

I feel blessed to have birthed 2 beautiful girls and now, i feel like in some strange way...I am a part of watching the birthing experience of our son. Everything is so new. Life is good. Real good. Now, it will be complete when we are with our other child M. Then, the circle is united.

Caroline
13 Comments:
Blogger ipodmomma said...
wow, that was powerful. what an amazing blessing you are all to each other...

and yeah, God is with the others too... He's there, always...

trust your instincts. Nikolai needs some very special things these first few weeks, and you'll know what to do, as you go. for now, just enjoy this new little person, and much love is sent your way...

Blogger jeneflower said...
He is so lucky to have you. I too feel so sad for all those babies having to rock themselves to sleep- comfort themselves. Every time a child comes home to a loving family it is such a miracle for that child. And for the family.

Blogger Clarence said...
You two hold that boy as much as you'd like! Don't listen to anything anybody says otherwise. He's yours now, and you can raise him as you'd like. Hug him and let him fall asleep in your arms. He's never known that before. My heart breaks thinking about how he rocks himself to sleep. Poor thing. He's very lucky to have you guys.

C

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I adopted my son from Kaz at 13 months. He had some issues with sleeping and I love to rock him, Those moments will pass quickly. He even sleep in our bedroom for a time. We moved his crib with us. Today he is a well adjusted 4 year old.

Blogger Debbie said...
I just want to echo everyone else really. You two rock him as much as you want. I'm sure his big sis would help too. My heart just breaks picturing that sweet boy being alone.
So glad you are finally a family of 5.

Blogger Starfish said...
Just continue to take the cues from Nikolai and give him everything he needs...in short order he will trust his surroundings. You have bonded so beautifully, things can only get better from here.

Blogger Lauri said...
My daughter did the same thing- rocked herself exactly as your son did... I now rock her to sleep every night

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I am currently waiting to return to pick up my boy in Moscow. Your blog has been immensely helpful in preparation for this momentous event...which will happen (hopefully) this month. This helps to alleviate the stress/strain of the waiting and the UKNOWN. Thank you!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Congratulations! I love to finally see the pictures of the children we've been falling in love with via blogs. He's adorable. For what it's worth, our agency told us that these children KNOW how to comfort themselves and be independent - our job is to teach them that now they have parents that they can love, trust and depend on. They said that when you hear them at night, don't tip toe into their rooms - run, hug them, hold them, let them know that you are THERE. I'm sure you'll be fine. Thanks for sharing your journey with us - it's a lifeline for those of us who are waiting...and waiting...

God bless,
Betsy in Charlotte, NC

Blogger Charlene Davis said...
I need a tissue alert before I read some of these posts! You wrung me dry on this one sissy. I firmly believe that you did the right thing in following your gut feelings. Your solid instincts are what have made you such a great mom.

I rocked my (now almost 10yo) son until he was 5 and too big to sit comfortably in my lap. Some of my fondest memories are of him nestled against my shoulder twirling my hair, while softly whispering, "I wuv you, Mommy." He still likes for me to tuck him in and lay down with him for a few minutes just before he falls asleep. That's when we have some of our best conversations.

Our children need this type of security, to know that we will always be there to hold on to and offer comfort and love. God chose well when he placed Nicholai in your hearts and home.

Char

Anonymous Chrisann said...
Okay...my DH is knows when I have been reading your site. All he needs to observe is my waterey eyes and that is the tip off. And after this post of yours....the eyes were REALLY waterey.

It must had been really hard to watch N. It makes me both sad and angry for what he has been through in his short life. This might seem weird to say but you need to be proud. He is a survivor. And despite the lack of mothering his good nature and adoring smile is in tact. That is amazing.

Good for you picking him. You are his mom. YOU know what is best for your son....not some book. This is not a text book case. It is a child that has had adversity in his life and needs more than the normal TLC. You doing right Caroline and I am really proud of all you have done. You are one strong lady.

Big smiles,

Chrisann

PS. The gals at the YMCA say hi and congrats!!

PPS. Where is our daily dose of Nik pics?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hey there -
I love your blog! I wrote about it in my blog on adoption.com: http://russia.adoptionblogs.com/
Please check it out if you have the time...which you probably won't now that you've got your little boy!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the pictures. I think your blog does a great service for everyone in process.
Adrienne
http://russia.adoptionblogs.com/

Anonymous Michelle and Dan said...
Okay, I'm crying now. I am so happy for all of you. And I don't recall what the adoption books say about little ones but it seems to me you should be doing the rocking and forget the letting him cry himself to sleep for now (I would think anyway). He needs you and you need him. Give that cutie a big snuggle from us. Can't wait 'til you all are back home for good....then you move here ;o)