I do have a confession....I am in love. I am head over heels for our son Nikolai. There is no question, no doubt, no nothing. He has taken my heart and he has it in the palm of his hands.
But, I will admit that there is another little boy who has also stolen my heart at the orphanage. I promised myself that I wouldn't let this happen. I saw it coming when we came for our first trip to meet Sasha (Nikolai). I saw the other little boy then. Everyday that I was there he stared at me the whole time. He never let up on his gaze. There was something about his eyes that drew me in. I couldn't let go of the thoughts of him. I even inquired about adopting two at once. Before I could even do that, my husband put that notion to a quick end... "FOUR??????? No way!!!" He said that three children for us was quite enough. I know he was right. Then, I heard that it is double the price to adopt another from this area. Even if my husband said yes and my senses came back to me....we don't have that kind of money sitting around. WHO DOES?????
Then, I have been to the orphanage, every day now (but two) for a week and 1/2. I get to see our Nikolai and now he smiles and he is happy when he sees me. But, guess what? So does the other little guy. I will call him H.D. (Handsome Devil) He smiles whenever I walk in the door. He is about the same age as our son. He squeals with laughter. The other kids seem to notice me when I walk in. But, our son and H.D. really brighten up when I walk in the room. H.D. wanted to hold my hand yesterday and I was holding Nikolai. Nikolai did not like me holding H.D. 's hand. He was jealous. When I kissed Nikolai goodbye, I also kissed H.D. goodbye. H.D. broke out in the largest smile. Nikolai proceeded to push him. Both were crying when I was walking out the door. My heart broke in half.
Today, H.D. played with my hair while he was in his playpen and I was playing with my son. I turned around to smile at him and he reached for my hand. He grabbed onto my finger and never let it go. So, i held his finger and played with Nikolai at the same time. Nikolai allowed it this time :)
When the first time I saw H.D. he seemed so intense, so serious. However, whenever I got close to him and tickled him...he had a laugh that came straight from his belly. It could melt anyone. Now, when I walk into the room...he lights up.
How do you say " Goodbye...it has been fun, I will never see you again?" When I tell my family and husband at home about him and the attachment we are having...they are like "oh, that is nice". But, Stacy and Roy (the other adopting family here) have seen it and Stacy saw H.D. when he was crying when I left yesterday and she said to me "That is killing me watching this happen" I don't think my family or anyone really knows how much it is killing me. Because, I have fallen in love with H.D. too. Is that wrong?. Of course I love my son.... I could never imagine wanting any other son. But, is it wrong for wanting H.D. too?. I know you will all say.."oh, you will get over it" or "oh, that happened to me, you want to take them all home". No, I don't want to take them all home. They are all so beautiful and sweet and I pray for all of the children. But, I don't have that same feeling. But, when I leave that orphanage on Saturday and have to say goodbye to H.D.....I am going to feel devastated. It will be bittersweet. I will be leaving with my son and have my husband and daughter here. But, that little boy with those blue eyes has taken a piece of my heart and he is twisting it right now.
I wished he were my son too. There, I said it. Knowing that he can't be is what is so heart wrenching. I suppose you would have to be here and going through it to understand. But, it is hard. My prayer is that he will find good parents and I hope that one day, somewhere I can see him again.
There you have it....my true confessions.....