>>Tuesday, April 25, 2006<<
I am in love....

I do have a confession....I am in love. I am head over heels for our son Nikolai. There is no question, no doubt, no nothing. He has taken my heart and he has it in the palm of his hands.

But, I will admit that there is another little boy who has also stolen my heart at the orphanage. I promised myself that I wouldn't let this happen. I saw it coming when we came for our first trip to meet Sasha (Nikolai). I saw the other little boy then. Everyday that I was there he stared at me the whole time. He never let up on his gaze. There was something about his eyes that drew me in. I couldn't let go of the thoughts of him. I even inquired about adopting two at once. Before I could even do that, my husband put that notion to a quick end... "FOUR??????? No way!!!" He said that three children for us was quite enough. I know he was right. Then, I heard that it is double the price to adopt another from this area. Even if my husband said yes and my senses came back to me....we don't have that kind of money sitting around. WHO DOES?????

Then, I have been to the orphanage, every day now (but two) for a week and 1/2. I get to see our Nikolai and now he smiles and he is happy when he sees me. But, guess what? So does the other little guy. I will call him H.D. (Handsome Devil) He smiles whenever I walk in the door. He is about the same age as our son. He squeals with laughter. The other kids seem to notice me when I walk in. But, our son and H.D. really brighten up when I walk in the room. H.D. wanted to hold my hand yesterday and I was holding Nikolai. Nikolai did not like me holding H.D. 's hand. He was jealous. When I kissed Nikolai goodbye, I also kissed H.D. goodbye. H.D. broke out in the largest smile. Nikolai proceeded to push him. Both were crying when I was walking out the door. My heart broke in half.

Today, H.D. played with my hair while he was in his playpen and I was playing with my son. I turned around to smile at him and he reached for my hand. He grabbed onto my finger and never let it go. So, i held his finger and played with Nikolai at the same time. Nikolai allowed it this time :)

When the first time I saw H.D. he seemed so intense, so serious. However, whenever I got close to him and tickled him...he had a laugh that came straight from his belly. It could melt anyone. Now, when I walk into the room...he lights up.

How do you say " Goodbye...it has been fun, I will never see you again?" When I tell my family and husband at home about him and the attachment we are having...they are like "oh, that is nice". But, Stacy and Roy (the other adopting family here) have seen it and Stacy saw H.D. when he was crying when I left yesterday and she said to me "That is killing me watching this happen" I don't think my family or anyone really knows how much it is killing me. Because, I have fallen in love with H.D. too. Is that wrong?. Of course I love my son.... I could never imagine wanting any other son. But, is it wrong for wanting H.D. too?. I know you will all say.."oh, you will get over it" or "oh, that happened to me, you want to take them all home". No, I don't want to take them all home. They are all so beautiful and sweet and I pray for all of the children. But, I don't have that same feeling. But, when I leave that orphanage on Saturday and have to say goodbye to H.D.....I am going to feel devastated. It will be bittersweet. I will be leaving with my son and have my husband and daughter here. But, that little boy with those blue eyes has taken a piece of my heart and he is twisting it right now.

I wished he were my son too. There, I said it. Knowing that he can't be is what is so heart wrenching. I suppose you would have to be here and going through it to understand. But, it is hard. My prayer is that he will find good parents and I hope that one day, somewhere I can see him again.

There you have it....my true confessions.....
11 Comments:
Blogger Tricia said...
Oh wow, I can feel the emotion in your post.

I can understand your bonding. I know it's not the same (AT ALL) but when I volunteer at the humane society I really really connect with some dogs, and others its all business. I will go home and think about some of the animals for days/hours (until I go again).

I am reading your post thinking crazy thoughts like, can you put HD "on hold" for me? He sounds wonderful and I'm sure his forever family will be coming for him soon.

Can you ask your facilitator if he's available and will be placed via your agency? Maybe then you can find out where he ends up???

Blogger ipodmomma said...
you're not crazy at all...

I can't imagine being in your shoes, with all those litle ones, waiting for mums and dads to come for them... Nikolai is a very lucky chap, and just keep HD in your prayers; God has a plan for that little one, that will be wonderful for him and his folks to be...

Anonymous Chrisann said...
Caroline...there isn't only love in a lifetime, so of course you can love Nikolai and Mr. HD. So while taking both home isn't feasible for either your marriage or your bank account continuing to show your love for HD is possible. And you are doing it now.

So how do you go about this????By blogging your passion for this little bug you are letting the world know about him. Already, above me in a post someone is interested. So do what you do best....keep talking about HD and your wonderful experiences adopting Nikolai. Your gift of love will bring a family to him.

Take care and keep smiling sista!

Chrisann

Blogger Debbie said...
I am so glad to hear Nikolai is doing better. How wonderful that you will all be together on Saturday (minus 1). You'll be 5 hoem together very soon.
All I can say is sorry to hear about your attachment to H.D. My prayers go out to your heart and his during this tough time.

Blogger Margaret said...
You've got me in tears.

Loving another little kiddo isn't at all a jeopardy to how much you love Nikolai.

You can advocate for Handsome Devil, though. Helping to find him a home might help heal your heart. (And if it's in the states, you might be able to form a contact... that would be the next best thing.)

Anonymous chrisann said...
Whoops! I meant to say their isn't only one love in a lifetime. Ahhhh.. always putting my foot in my mouth or a person's blog.

Come on Saturday!!!!!!!!!!

Chrisann

Blogger Glo said...
AWWW I hear you and I believe you. I don't think you are crazy etc. I think you do love that little guy too. But you have 1 baby to take home, and one baby to leave and trust that he will find a home very soon.I too will pray that a Mom and Dad will come for H.D.

Perhaps you look something like his birthmom or your voice is similar etc. Something about you attracted him to you as soon as he saw or heard you. He has recieved some positive things from you while you were there. I honestly believe that if he is as cute and outgoing as you say...when he sees the right person, he will have a mom and dad coming to adopt him soon. If yu are going to carry a piece of him home in your heart, and it sounds like you are, then carry him in prayer daily.

Blogger Charlene Davis said...
I know it will be sad leaving H.D. next Saturday, but you have touched that child's heart in a truly wonderful way. He will always have a piece of you, and that is a gift that no one will be able to take away from him. Everyone who reads your post about him will think about him and send prayers and happy thoughts his way.

I'm so glad to hear that my little nephew is doing so much better and I can't wait to see him!

Anonymous Lorien said...
C - just have faith, I know we can find him a wonderful family! He will be loved and cherished as much as Nikolai is... and with you to advocate for him, hopefully it won't take long!

:) Lorien

Blogger Brian & Rebeca said...
Caroline,
the feeling won't go away and sometimes it is for us to really pray. I got 2 little girls I pray for that I have to leave last february in Brazil. They are sisters ( 2 years old and 6 month old) I struggle with the feelings sometimes - was it a blessing or just a very sad experience? Just pray! and as Lorien said, advocate; that's the thing to "do"

Blogger jeneflower said...
We have friends that live near us that have adopted from Russia and they said the same thing to us. They said when you see the orphans you will want to take them all home. They even tried to go back and readopt a certain child that they had attached too (they had already adopted 2- so this was a 3rd) but they found out that, that particular child was not adoptable. They were heart broken. I don't think they could have afforded all of these kids, but it is so hard when you see them and you want to take them home. She warned me that this will happen to us and how hard it is to leave the others behind. I just hope and pray that good families can be found for all of them.