>>Tuesday, March 21, 2006<<
Is it me?

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel a little blue? Where you feel oh, lets say 10-50 pounds overweight? and you feel like you just can't get your head on straight? Or that you are a bad wife? Mom? Friend? Sister? Well, I am having one of those days.

I had terrible insomnia last night and then, on top of that, my body clock has not adjusted and I woke up early. I looked at some pictures today and the videos from Moscow and thought "HOLY COW!!!!" I know that film adds 10 lbs, but, what about 50lbs? I was embarrassed. I had that ah ha moment where i was like "Is this what I really look like in public?". I mean, I know that when I was pregnant with Sophia, I gained 80lbs. I thought I was in decent shape before that. I was kick boxing and was active. Then, after her birth...it has been a constant battle getting rid of the weight. I used to be a little "hip" I wouldn't have considered myself a fashion model by any stretch, but, I had an idea of what was going on in the world. I would take good care of myself and I felt good. Now, I am lucky if I can get out of sweat pants. What happened, did I fall asleep for almost 6 years? Because that is how old our oldest almost is. When I go to take our oldest to school, all of the moms all look gorgeous and put together and I feel like I am lucky to have made it there on time. I am in my sweat pants and YMCA t-shirt and have been asked in the mall no less than 5 times when I was not pregnant when I was due. My own daughter says I have a big belly. I have tried all of the diets, I feel like I can't win at the weight game.

Then, (hang on to your seats...I am not done having a pity party :)..I woke up feeling like a bad wife on top of it. It was my husbands birthday yesterday and we had just gotten back from Russia. I wanted to give him the best birthday ever. I always do. Birthdays are a huge deal for me. I believe that everyone should be celebrated on their day....because that is the day that they were brought into this world and what a great day that was for all of us. But, all of our money is going towards adoption, and we spent the day looking for a car. We had no time yesterday for a cake. The girls and I took him out for lunch and dinner. He had already seen the girls gift to him that I had bought on the plane from duty free (Swiss Chocolates). I felt like I couldn't even give him the proper birthday.

Then, today, I learned that a close friend of mine had gotten married back in December. It is March. Where have I been? I didn't even know, that is how out of the loop I have been. I feel so disconnected from my friends. I have been so wrapped up in hosting, and adopting, and working, and being a mom, having surgery, recovery, and adopting (I know I already said that), and wanting to be the perfect Mom, wife....that I have forgotten all of my friends and own family.

Then, I find out that my own brother was in the ER and I didn't even know about it. I haven't even had the chance to talk to him. What kind of sister am I? I haven't been in touch with my own 2 sisters as much as I would like whom I love just as dearly...they are all my best friends.

Wow....in trying to be the perfect wife, mom, sister, friend, and daughter.....I have really managed to screw that up lately. And how in the world will I ever lose this weight and become a woman again and feel "alive" and just a little bit sexy? , just a little bit...that is all I am asking for.

Oh well....I must have forgotten to take my hormone pills today ;). But, right about now, any words of encouragement would help. Thanks for listening.
Blogger Elle said...
Caroline, I am sorry you are feeling blue. I too get those days. It seems like the adoption process takes over your life. Things go on around you and you are totally oblivious to it all.

My assvice. Stop trying to please everyone and take care of yourself. The best thing you can do for your newly growing family is to be healthy. Mentally and physically.

Blogger Brian & Rebeca said...
I agree with Elle! Take some time for yourself. I know it sounds a bit selfish, but it is not; it is just healthy.

I actually was going through some of those same feelings after coming back from Brazil (unsuccessful adoption trip) last month. I am a IT contractor, so I asked to work from home one day a week and to take all Fridays off so I can take care of some of the stuff that seems left out due to the adoption process. It is working great! Nobody will die, the IT project will be just fine and I just make a little less money but health is first.

As far as thoughts, be careful, just take the ones that are really true and have/create a workable plan; the ones that are just "blue" thoughts but not really true, just toss them!

If all the problems in the world were like the weight problems: all you have to do is loose it! All I mean is: there is a workable solution!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Sweet girl - Oh how I remmeber those nights with our Box-O-Wine sitting in our apartment having our own little pity parties....the things we were concerned about then seem so far away and not even important at this point in our lives. You are tired and probably a bit overwhelmed at all you have been doing. I personally think you are beautiful, inside and out and always have. You know, I still get upset remembering that it takes you all of about 5 seconds to get up, put on clothes, do your hair and makeup and be out the door - while it took me close to an HOUR! And I've seen you in sweats and a t-shirt and you are adorable...with your cutie pie blonde hair!! :) We all get caught up in our own lives and there are times when we do need to step back and see farther than what is right in front of us, like friends and family but we will be here when that time comes for you. I do know that you need time for yourself to be the best wife, mother, friend and family that you can be so dont feel guilty having some " you" time here and there and dont beat yourself up about the birthday - i'm sure Blake thinks this was the best birthday he could have ever had. I saw his face in the pictures with Sasha and he looked so happy. I love ya girl and am sending you a hug. I cant wait to see you persoanlly and deliver it myself.

Lisa Menscer

Blogger Margaret said...
Oh the insomnia!

I know that I have posted about this as has Rhonda in the past. This process is so all-consuming it does feel like it takes pieces of you away. But I don't think we're as bad as we seem to ourselves.

Just take care for now. You'll have your son here soon and life as normal (or the new normal) will begin.

We'll all come back to ourselves once our kids are home.

Anonymous Ronda said...
I've just recently discovered your blog. If you're anthing like your writing, and I'm sure you are, then you're a wonderful wife, mother, friend and sibling. You've taken on so much lately. Having had two abdominal surgeries myself you don't realize how much it takes out of you until you're past it and realize how far from normal you were. You've had major surgery, traveled around the globe and been dealing with all the other adoption stuff plus everyday life demands.

Take time to rest if that's possible. Imagine the joy of bringing your new little one home when you healthy, happy and reconnected with all the support in your life.


Blogger jeneflower said...
I understand about the feeling sorry for yourself days. Last month when I was at the hair salon I was sitting there looking at myself in the mirror while she was doing my hair and I was thinking that I was the ugliest person alive. All of my features and wrinkles were just horrifying to myself. I was embarrased to be sitting there. It didn't matter that nobody else thought that or that my husband tells me how good-looking he thinks I am. It was irrational, but totally real to me nonetheless. A couple of days later though- I forgot about it and thought I looked fine.

I am sure that your bad feelings will pass and you will start to feel normal again.

I had a struggle with weight when my kids were younger. My theory about the weight issue with kids is that when you are home with kids- they all want to eat all day long. And what are you supposed to do while they are eating? Why, eat too of course, even if you are not hungry. I mean how borring to just sit there and watch them eat. At least that is how I felt. And what are you supposed to do with all of their leftovers that they refuse to eat, but look perfectly good to you? Eat them of course. This is what I did. Also, whatever you ate might be the best thing about your day. I have had many days like this.

I noticed however- that as your kids get older this becomes less and less. (My oldest is 13) You will have more time to devote to yourself (to relax, excerise and do hobbies), to be involved with friends and extended family members and to be able to do what you want for others.

So, my assvice is- when your kids are young, don't sweat it- relax your expectations of yourself in EVERY area and just enjoy your kids. They don't stay young long!

Sorry for being a comment hog.

Blogger jencc said...
hugs to you!! but i can thoroughly understand, because i feel we're on the same boat. i've been caught up with so many things lately that i need to take extra effort with the weight thing (the breastfeeding helped a lot at the beginning), the looking good thing (gee, but i've never been one for makeup and stuff), and the remembering others thing. *sigh* hang in there, and as like you, i'd like to take the assvise of everyone else...take care of yourself first. maybe it's time to step out of your "others role" and do something nice to celebrate you! take care!!

Blogger Karen said...
I just found your blog.

Reading your post made me think of how much we pressure everyone and especially our selves to be perfect. There is not perfect and life will continue with the inperfections. I ahve been stuck in the same funk that you have just described. KNow you are now alone and we are all imperfect. Hey it could be worse you could be back to the POO-POO day :) I had a simmilar one just recently.

Blogger Tricia said...
girlfriend, sounds like you need to go in for a pedicure. hope tomorrow is a little bit better. i agree with previous comments, give yourself a break you've had so much physical and emotional stuff going on it's no wonder some things are lesser priority. :)

ps. if you find some of that sexy mojo, please send some my way.

Blogger Rhonda said...
I can totally identify with this. I agree with Tricia, you need a pedicure...a facial...or a massage..or SOMETHING to make you feel better. You are probably the only one who sees yourself as a failure! I bet everyone else thinks you're awesome. I hope you feel better soon.