Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel a little blue? Where you feel oh, lets say 10-50 pounds overweight? and you feel like you just can't get your head on straight? Or that you are a bad wife? Mom? Friend? Sister? Well, I am having one of those days.
I had terrible insomnia last night and then, on top of that, my body clock has not adjusted and I woke up early. I looked at some pictures today and the videos from Moscow and thought "HOLY COW!!!!" I know that film adds 10 lbs, but, what about 50lbs? I was embarrassed. I had that ah ha moment where i was like "Is this what I really look like in public?". I mean, I know that when I was pregnant with Sophia, I gained 80lbs. I thought I was in decent shape before that. I was kick boxing and was active. Then, after her birth...it has been a constant battle getting rid of the weight. I used to be a little "hip" I wouldn't have considered myself a fashion model by any stretch, but, I had an idea of what was going on in the world. I would take good care of myself and I felt good. Now, I am lucky if I can get out of sweat pants. What happened, did I fall asleep for almost 6 years? Because that is how old our oldest almost is. When I go to take our oldest to school, all of the moms all look gorgeous and put together and I feel like I am lucky to have made it there on time. I am in my sweat pants and YMCA t-shirt and have been asked in the mall no less than 5 times when I was not pregnant when I was due. My own daughter says I have a big belly. I have tried all of the diets, I feel like I can't win at the weight game.
Then, (hang on to your seats...I am not done having a pity party :)..I woke up feeling like a bad wife on top of it. It was my husbands birthday yesterday and we had just gotten back from Russia. I wanted to give him the best birthday ever. I always do. Birthdays are a huge deal for me. I believe that everyone should be celebrated on their day....because that is the day that they were brought into this world and what a great day that was for all of us. But, all of our money is going towards adoption, and we spent the day looking for a car. We had no time yesterday for a cake. The girls and I took him out for lunch and dinner. He had already seen the girls gift to him that I had bought on the plane from duty free (Swiss Chocolates). I felt like I couldn't even give him the proper birthday.
Then, today, I learned that a close friend of mine had gotten married back in December. It is March. Where have I been? I didn't even know, that is how out of the loop I have been. I feel so disconnected from my friends. I have been so wrapped up in hosting, and adopting, and working, and being a mom, having surgery, recovery, and adopting (I know I already said that), and wanting to be the perfect Mom, wife....that I have forgotten all of my friends and own family.
Then, I find out that my own brother was in the ER and I didn't even know about it. I haven't even had the chance to talk to him. What kind of sister am I? I haven't been in touch with my own 2 sisters as much as I would like whom I love just as dearly...they are all my best friends.
Wow....in trying to be the perfect wife, mom, sister, friend, and daughter.....I have really managed to screw that up lately. And how in the world will I ever lose this weight and become a woman again and feel "alive" and just a little bit sexy? , just a little bit...that is all I am asking for.
Oh well....I must have forgotten to take my hormone pills today ;). But, right about now, any words of encouragement would help. Thanks for listening.