3 weeks ago, I was just like the rest of the world...first hearing of Steve Irwin's death. For some people, it didn't really affect them. But, for the large majority..it was a huge loss. For me... it has really impacted me in ways that I never imagined it would. I have been deeply saddened by it. I think I have an idea of why it has bothered me so badly.... He was so vibrant, young, passionate and he was so in love with what he did for a living and his family.

I watched 20/20 last night with Barbara Walters because Terri Irwin was on and she was finally speaking. Maybe I am just sensitive or a big ole mush ball. But, I cried like a baby. The pain that she must be going through is unimaginable. But, to hear her talk of her husband as her "prince" and her children...I could really relate to her. I know that was why I was so upset. It happened so quickly and so accidentally, that it could happen to anyone of us at any time. I held my husbands hand and thought the very same words that she said....My husband is my "prince" and our children are our everything. They worship their father like you wouldn't believe. He makes life so much fun and makes me feel alive. I cannot imagine him being out of my life. I know that is how Terri must have felt.

I always liked watching Steve on TV and loved the way he was so passionate about everything. I loved the way that he overcame adversity. I loved the way that he changed the world. It has got me thinking....am I as passionate as I need to be about my life? Children? our world? career? What will I be remembered for?

I think he taught all of us that we need to believe in ourselves and what we are put on this earth for. Don't be afraid to try new things and to embrace life. Thank you Steve for reminding us about that. I am just so sorry that you had to leave this life so soon. But, as Terri said last night on TV....she knows that you are still with her and your children.

Are you passionate about what you do for a living? About your life and your family? Interesting thoughts......

This was over 4 months ago in Russia....

And here we are now at the beach....oh...you thought you were going to get a pic with me in a bathing suit? Oh, I think not! I embarrass myself these days!


I think of the song by David Bowie "Changes" when I think of what the last 4 months have been like since we have been home with Nikolai and back from Russia. There is so much to say. First, it seems just like yesterday when I was riding on the Metro and visiting the desky dom everyday. Fast forward and no one can guess that Nikolai had never been a part of our lives for his entire life.

He bonded to me really well in Russia because I was there by myself for a couple of weeks, and then when B and sis S came out, he quickly bonded to them. Now, when we got to the states...you best forget him going to ANYONE other than B and I. We have not had a date yet since being back from Russia. N is like a cat if we are out of his sight. His claws come out and he hangs on to anything that he can find. He will not let you out of his sight. If you do make it a few steps, his lung capacity is to the maximum limit. Surrounding countries can hear him. He would not have anything to do with my parents until a couple of weeks ago. FINALLY!. It broke my Mom's heart. I tried to explain his life and bonding. But, I have learned that those that don't understand an adopted child...they assume that child should act just like anyone else. Let me tell you...it does NOT work that way.

Case in point....with our two girls...we do time outs for when they get into trouble. We put them in time out for the time period of their age. We explain what they are in there for. We can walk away from them during that time period. As for Nikolai...nope, nope and then nope again. He likes to throw his food, toys, basically anything. His hand might be malformed...but, I truly believe it to be a bionic hand, because he can throw things as far as the eye can see. He loves to slap me in the face. He definitely has serious temper tantrums and they get intense. He didn't want to be consoled in the beginning. I read in one of the books to stay with him during his time out. I would sit with him and keep talking to him in a calm voice. That seems to tick him off more :) But, when he goes into a rage...I just hold him and he fights me like you have never seen. But, when he realizes that I am not leaving...he calms down and rests against me. He has finally learned to show affection. He gives hugs and kisses now. He runs to me and B now when he falls down. Before, he would sit by himself and rock and cry. He didn't want you to console him when he got hurt or sick. It was hard on me in the beginning. I am such a nurturer. So, not to be able to cuddle with him when he so needed it was hard.

I fully believe though if you remain calm and keep showing them that you are not going to leave..things suddenly click. He is very active and into everything. The girls never stuck their fingers in every hole in the house, including the toilet. I spend more time chasing after him. He is so fast!!!!

But, he has such a sensitive heart. He hates it if you are sad or the girls are crying. He will go over and lay his head down on them. He loves our dog and cat. He says "Awww" and pets them in his cute little way. He wants to be a big kid so bad. He is beautiful, a true gift.

It has been hard, I can't lie. Not so much because of Nikolai, but, the fact that there are three little children that need every morsel from you. I thought that N would need me the most. But, since he has been home, the girls seem to crave extra attention too and act out if they don't get it. I feel like a punching bag with the kids. But, I know it is because they are adjusting to the fact that there is another child sharing our love. We explain that we have enough love for each of them. The girls love being a big sister to him. Sometimes too much. They try and dress him up in girls clothes. It drives B crazy. He went out and got him all of these boys stuff. N wears a Boston RedSox outfit...go figure, right?!

Your marriage tends to take a back seat when a child comes along. I am very aware of that. I try really hard to make sure that B knows how much I love him. I look forward to when N can seperate from us a little and we can go out on a date. A Date?? What is that??? :)

I am sure that I will be writing a lot more about what has been going on. It has been a whirlwind at times. Sometimes I wonder if God was right in choosing me to be a Mom of three. I feel so inadequate sometimes. But, I am truly honored that I was chosen.

Oh yea...one other thing that Nikolai loves....computers. I am always on mine. I was working on a project not too long ago and he crawled in my lap and he hit the right button and deleted the whole thing. He lives to push buttons on the computer when I am on it.

I would love to hear from others your challenges and adventures since you have been home. And if you have any questions for those of you waiting that want to know what is going on....ask! I would love to give insight anywhere that I can.

Glad to be back!!

Talk to everyone soon!

Caroline

P.S. on a side note....I am deeply saddened about Steve Irwin..the Crocodile Hunter. I am not sure why that has hit me so hard. But, it has. I guess because he was a young dad with a wife and two children. But, he also was living out his dream in life and he loved what he did every single day. Most of us dream of having that. Then poof...in a freak accident, he is dead. It really hit home and made me think about what I have and how quickly something freakish could happen in my life. I guess we all need to remember to let those that we love KNOW that we love them every single day. Don't let a day pass.

I realize that I have been gone from the blogger world now for over 2 months. I wished that I could say that I have been sleeping like a baby, touring the world, going to spas everyday, having grapes fed to me continuously. But, that would all be a lie.

Frankly, life has caught up with me and I have lost touch with everyone. I am not even sure my own family knows that I am alive. (just kidding...but, almost)

It seems like the past couple of months have absolutely flown by and have been a complete blur. I finally am checking on everyone's blog and am shocked to see what is going on. Jen has already gone to Russia, Elle is on her second trip to Russia, so many other bloggers are back from Russia and then my other blogger friends are doing so many other things that I am standing here left in the dust.

In internet time, two months is way too long. I have been taken off of blog lists and am no longer apart of the blogger circle. Which really stinks, because I loved all of my blogger friends. But, it wasn't them, it was me. (wow...I sound like an old boyfriend) I have gotten so caught up in my life that writing has become an extreme luxury.

Having three children and working is a huge challenge. There are no complaints here. Just saying that it is a challenge and I applaud all of the Moms and dads out there doing it. S started kindergarten this year which is a huge deal, and M is starting pre-school. Baby N is so busy running around the house, it is like watching a shooting star go by. B is so busy with work and I have been busy with assignments. I am an HR consultant and work with children at the local Youth Program in town. Then, of course...I am a Mom and a wife. Not that isn't enough...I have decided to give up consulting and go back into the corporate world.

WHAT?! I know you are asking that question. Why give up a flexible lifestyle with 3 children? Well, that would be a whole other Oprah show. :) Actually, it is simple...I enjoy the structure of corporate life and I miss knowing what assignment that I will be on next. With consulting, if I finish a job...you never know what the next will be, where it is, how long it will be. I miss going into the office... being a part of a company. With consulting, there really isn't any attachments...you go in, get the job done..it is over. It has been great for these couple of years, but, I miss the corporate life.

I know that sparks the whole war against Working at Home Moms and Working Outside of the home moms. I fully believe that a happy mom makes a happy home. I have enjoyed the flexibility of being there at home in between jobs when our children need me. But, going back into the corporate world...I still feel like I will be there when they need me. It just may look different. I will touch on this subject more in depth at a later time.

I want to say that I have missed everyone and I have certainly missed writing and reading about what is going on in each of your lives. You all have never been far from my thoughts. Sometimes life has a way of keeping you so busy that by the time you look up..you have lost so much time. I hope that I can work my way back up to being put on your Favorite Blog Lists again :) Love to all!!!