Those were the exact words one of Nikolai's little friends mouth. She is a sweet girl that my good friend babysits. My friend couldn't figure out what this little girl was talking about. She thought she was talking about a toy that Nikolai was playing with. The little girl kept pointing to his hand...
(it is hard to see in this picture, but, it is the left hand. He kindof has it curled up in that pic)



Finally, she got it. She understood. The little girl saw how Nikolai's hand looked like a "claw" to her because of his Amniotic (sp?) banding syndrome. His 3 middle fingers are fused together and he uses that as one and then he uses his thumb and pinky. He can pick up things that you wouldn't believe. So, this sweet little girl wanted a hand just like his because it was cool and it could do so much. I thought that was so precious!! I know kids can be cruel, but, kids can be so sweet and honest and not even know it.

We plan on having his first round of surgeries on his hand this year. They wanted us to hold off a little bit until he put on more weight. With the anesthesia, they wanted him to weigh more. The doctors tell us that it will be a series of operations probably up through 1st grade. It terrifies me for him to have surgery. I have had operations and they have hurt, but, I do not want any of my babies to ever experience that. So, I am very prayerful about it.

Labels: Amniotic Banding Syndrome, life

I feel like guilt consumes a lot of my life as a mother. Where should I begin?:

Guilt that if I am working, my children are suffering.

Guilt that if I am at home full time, that I am not everything they want me to be.

Guilt because my 7 year old said in the Disney store today with HUGE crocodile tears "I don't feel special", because her brother got a $1 sippy cup and we were buying presents for her sisters birthday. (it happens all the time. our children feel entitled to toys, presents, everything)

Guilt because I don't have the energy to do the one million and one things that they want me to do during the day...."what's next? the pool?, park?, art?, dance?...you catch my drift"

Guilt because I am not the mom who is dressed to the "9's" when I drop off my kids at the school. I am lucky I put my shirt on the right way.

Guilt because I didn't make homemade cookies for my child's class, guilt because I didn't make a home made craft, guilt because I am not in the "Right" Play group or ANY play group for that matter.

Guilt that I am not taking Little N to all of these social activities to help him with his social skills. HE HAS SOCIAL SKILLS!!

Guilt that I don't have the house smelling like pine sol with the kitchen gleaming and the dinner cooked when my husband arrives.

Guilt that I have gained 100 lbs in 4 years.

Guilt that my children never seem to get enough of me, but, yet I give them 100% and have negative for me or my husband.

Guilt that I never seem quite good enough at parenting. But, yet I try so hard. M is in the terrible 2's, 3's, and 4's. N has FULL BLOWN terrible 2's. S needs every second of my time. I try to be everything to them. But, many days are filled with them screaming, yelling, kicking at me. Nothing ever seems to be good enough. I am with poopy diapers and kiddie talk 24 hours a day.

I feel guilty that I miss my life. I miss my friends, I miss working at a job that I love. I miss doing anything that resembles me.

I knew that when I decided to be a mother, my life would change forever. I wanted it, I am happy for it. But, where I am confused is that is my life supposed to be taken over by my children and you are left as a shell. Or do they compliment your life and you can still have some sort of sense of who you are?

I am struggling a little bit. Is there anyone else out there that juggles all of this? Any advice would help.

Where does the guilt end? Does it? What makes you a good mom?

Labels: Guilt, life, motherhood, parenting, personal

Since it has taken so long to get back to blogging and a year has flown by. It will be a while for me to catch up on everything that has gone on.

But, I do want to talk about the emotional roller coaster that you are on before and after adoption. I know so many of you are waiting to adopt and you are struggling with how long it has taken. Then there are others who are in the middle of the adoption, others that are on the other side like us.

I remember wanting so desperately to be in Moscow and to get my son and take him home. Then, when we did get him home, all I wanted is for everything to be normal right then. I never anticipated the tidal wave of emotions that would come along with it.

My best advice to anyone who is considering adoption, adding another child into their family is to take emotional inventory of yourself. Meaning, are you ready emotionally for all the changes?

That is so easy said, I know. Don't get me wrong, I would not change a thing. I just wasn't prepared for the emotional roller coaster that has taken place. I will continue to elaborate and update on post-adoption in my blogs.

Labels: emotions, life, Life after adoption